This issue probably should be dedicated to Vin Diesel. I mean, all of us
have already seen xXx at least eleven times (all five showings the
day it came out, and then once a day after that). As you will read about
in the Ned and Daron Report (this time featuring Dave), xXx makes
daring new strides in the field of awesomenist film making, perhaps requiring
new terms to describe its awestriking awesomenism.
However, while we can all agree about Vin's art, I have a problem with Vin's
ethics. As we all know, Vin's master plan for Hollywood stardom involves
creating deep, artistic, and meaningful movies like The Fast and the
Furious, Pitch Black, and xXx so that after he has become
rich and powerful, he can take a step back and turn the B-movies he wrote
and produced as student films into full length features.
And evidently the money he makes from artistic triumphs such as xXx
is not enough to fully fund his B-movie projects. Recently, Vin has started
prostituting his art in order to hawk mattresses and box springs for the
company Mattress Giant. The style, image, and phrases he has revolutionized
the movie industry with are now just a slick way of getting you to buy
a new mattress.
Here is a Mattress Giant print ad I found in the newspaper featuring Vin.
The zen philosphy he so masterfully worked into The Fast and the Furious
now just describes the soft pillow-top comfort of a posture-pedic.
While I still admire Vin's work and hope that
one day he will graduate from movies about cryo-sleep and NOS
so that he can make the popcorn movies he always dreamed of, any tribute to Vin
must be witheld until he stops prostituting his art for corporate America.
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